When something shakes your world ...

Sometimes things happen, that shake up your world. Or destroy a part you thought was safe of harm. Most of the time no one did it on purpose, but still it hits you out of nowwhere. This is what happened to me.

Last week I was filmed at a street food festival without my knowledge. I"m not talking about the fact that this in general is illegal. I'm talking about the effect this had on me. But let me explain the situation.

It was on a Sunday in London, it was extremely hot (I think 32˚C). A fashion designer I fancy has a shop in Brick Lane in Shoreditch and from the website I knew it was open. So I took the underground to the nearest station but still had to walk quite a distance. And Google maps sent me for some time into the wrong direction. When I arrived in Brick Lane I saw that there was some sort of street food festival going on, so the street was crowded! It was hot, I was sweating like crazy and obviously not looking my best.

I took a rest at a gate crossing the street and in this moment I was filmed. A short sequence was inserted into a longer video with episodes from that day and published on Instagram. Someone I know saw this by happenstance and mentioned me.

My first reaction was: this is illegal, we need to talk so you understand what you did wrong. In fact we did talk. I agreed to leave the video as it is.

Over the next days I still was reflecting about this. And after watching the video let's say five or six times it dawned to me.

I was caught in a very vulnerable moment. I wasn't and am still not concerned about the fact that other people see me like this. Well, yes I am, but this can not explain what I felt. The next paragraphs might trigger some trans people because they mention some hard dysphoric feelings.

First of all: I will never ever again watch this movie. It also doesn't help to remove it. I've seen it and the damage has been done.

What I saw was my worst nightmare. A combination of a carricature and a monster. A man in a dress. When I realized this, it sent me into a major depressive episode because of the dysphoria I felt. I even cried.

I don't know if I'm ever going to fully recover from what I saw. But it will take a long time for sure. It destroyed a part of me that I felt was pretty safe. Telling me "this is dysphoria talking to you, it doesn't look that bad" will not help, because I can not accept it. And I'm afraid. Not of going outside or other people seeing me but because I saw what a soul crushing effect a small action from some not bad intentioned person could have on me.

So, dear cis people: if you take pictures or film trans or in general gender non-conforming people ask them if that's ok. If you fear to destroy a situation you're intrigued of, do it afterwards. First ask, then if requested show the pictures / movies. You have no idea how much harm you can cause even if you never intended to do so.

And now I need to get back to my couch, curl up for some time and try not to cry.