There and back again

Last week I had an appointment with the main therapist of the doctor’s office I’m visiting. She will be the one will write the indication to get to HRT. Her plan was to ask for all the required information and details and then see if an indication would be appropriate. But half through the appointment she said: “I see I have to give up my plan to just ask the standard questions … we will need a second appointment. We have too much to talk about.”

This is what often happens once I start talking 🙈

But she had some very interesting questions. I’m pretty obsessed with fashion in general and trying out my new “role”. So she rightly asked in what degree my way so far has been sort of a performance. Since I told her how much I like giving talks she asked: “It seems that you really like being ‘on stage’ in some way or the other.” She explained that she had seen clients who’s main impulse for a transition was because of the thrill of the performance. Later on, when the new role becomes “normal”, doubts begin to set in if this was the right way.

I think one way to distinguish the sense of identity from a performative drive is to ask: how would you feel, if no one will note anything special about you? Would you be disappointed about a lack of attention or would you feel as good as you do now?

To be honest: looking at my childhood and adolescence I come from a dark place of avoiding any form of attention. And it never worked out. I always was the strange one. The outsider. At some point I made this my brand. And I realized that this is where I feel the most at home. It’s not the attention. It’s the non-conformity. I despise conformity very deeply. Phrases like “just a normal man/woman” in some degree would be an insult for me.

I’m pretty sure this makes me sometimes (SOMETIMES?!?) a strenuous person to be with. I’m sorry if this is or was the case for you.