The magical button

So here is a long overdue update. Sorry for the quiet. It was a stressful time, healthwise and professionally.

There’s a classical question in the trans* community:

If there was a magical button that you could press and when doing so it would magically transform you into your desired (normally binary opposite) gender and you would be completely passable and not stick out in any way: would you do it?

And the answers are (at least) two-fold. one group says: yes, absolutely, this is what I ever dreamt of!

For me there are two main reasons:

1. I value my course of life so far. Yes, I could have started earlier but who I am is the result of this journey so far. There were phases so bad that I barely remember them. Which is OK. I love to stick with the good memories anyways.
2. I don’t want to fit in. I never wanted, I just didn’t know for a long time. There is no ’natural’ target state I could transform into. To stick out with my appearance and especially my outfits is one of the main ways I communicate (yes, I’m able to talk and I do so a lot 🤭).

The second reason is so dominant that I had several deep discussions with my therapists (I have two, one for the medical diagnosis and one for the regular sessions) about the question to which degree my transness is sort of a performative act. Like a real life drag race.

And the answer is: it is, to quite some extend. But it is deeply rooted in who (and ‘what’) I am. Without this way to express myself I would suffocate in a grey cloud of dullness. This is my version of “I had no other chance but to come out”. Not because my life was in danger like it is for many trans* folks who just can’t stand playing their assigned gender role. But for the colorful (in my mind) and aura or air of weirdness that I suround myself with.

I often get comments like: “Oh, this must be stressful, to sort of construct an outfit for every day. I sometimes don’t muster the energy to put on something else but sweatpants and a t-shirt.“And the answer is: no, it isn’t. I need this like the air to breathe. When you see me wearing sweatpants or jeans and t-shirt you can be absolutely sure that something is very wrong in my current situation.

This thread of thoughts also answered a question that kept me busy for the most time since I came out:

Are you really non-binary or is it just that you don’t dare to say: well, I’m a woman?

No, I am non-binary, there is no doubt about that. It might look like I try to be as female as I can but this is about presentation. Not about me having some sort of gender imposter syndrome.

So that’s it for now. Stay safe and be queer (if you want to do so, that is 😉)!