Quick Decisions - Slow Decisions

Let me start again with sort of a disclaimer: I’m not bragging here. I’m not proposing that anyone but me should take the approach I took. This process was and is very much a “me thing”. Every way or approach you choose to take is valid!

As an introduction I can give a rough timeline of how things happened. I’ll go into details a bit later iun this post.

• 1966-2021: I had no idea, there was something I should look into. I knew something “was off”, but I had no idea what that was. I dressed “flamboyant” for a man and at least since 2011 I was publicly wearing nail polish on hands and feet. But I have nearly no memories about my childhood or time at school. Only vague feelings about situations. Most of them being negative.
• 2021: One morning I looked into the bathroom mirror and decided I can’t bear this anymore. I had been reading a lot about transgender topics and for sure watched half of Youtube’s trans content! This was the tipping point. Things had gone mentally south for weeks. My research phase took maybe one or two months. Then I called a local gender therapist.
• 2022: After roughly one year of monthly therapy sessions I got a letter of indication that I can get HRT, hair removal and voice therapy.
• 1st of June 2022: I got a prescription for a testosterone blocker (cyproterone acetate), a GnRH antagonist (leurprorelin acetate, commonly knwon as a puberty blocker) and estrogen gel.

Now let’s look at some of these in a bit more detail.

There aren’t many pictures from the time before I transitioned, but the ones I have show a guy who was somehow … sad? My oldest friend expressed it like this: “The invisible sadness that surrounded you all the time seems to be gone.” And yet I was dressing in very flamboyant clothes. Unusual cuts, flashy colors and so on. Then at some point I added nail polish, because that just looked better. I started with blue, green and brown shades, because … you know … red and pink are for the girls (nonsense, they are not). When I got compliments, I was sort of embarrased and tried to wave them away. But as a friend once said: “I can only give you the flowers. You decide if you water them.”

As I said, I did my research over the time of one or two months. Then this morning in the bathroom I decided to act. The decision took me around five minutes and I did not consider any risks or pro and con points. For me this was without any alternative. This was the result of a combination of factors:

• I’m AuDHD, I have ADHD with a strong impulsive trait. I don’t make dangerous decisions, I never risked my live or anything like that. But I often make decisions based on feelings, not rational considerations. Making pro and con lists never had any real value for me.
• At the time I had nearly no family connections left. I have some cousins I see maybe every ten years. And I had my in-laws. So I didn not have to consider other people’s opinition. This is a sad and privileged fact at the same time.
• My upbringing was completely free from gender stereotypes. My family had friends who were gay, queer in some other way and even one trans person. I never was told what a boy has to act like or what not. I always liked pink. So my mother tried to find pink clothes for her little prince. This wasn’t an easy task in the 1970ties.
• Naked bodies never were sensationalized in my family. We have seen each other naked for all of our life. Same with my girlfriend and later wife.

I was very lucky to get an appointment with a specialized gender therapist only three weeks after calling them. At the phone they asked: “What exactly is the reason you are calling me for?” This was the first time in my life I said: “Because I’m transgender and would like to transition” I got goosebumps from this phonecall! I didn’t actually have a need for a therapist. The therapy sessions are required by my health insurance.

When I got the letter of indication it started with: “The patient appears in the initial consultation in a flamboyantly feminine appearance.” There it is again! The flamboyance. I’m now thinking very hard about what I was wearing. I think it was a calf-length black dress with some open buttons in the front on the skirt, so you could see my bright red tights (Snagtights “Shepherd’s Delight”!) and black knee–high leather boots. I didn’t see this as very flamboyant. Just me in a nice dress …

My start into women’s fashion was rather effortless and natural. I didn’t plan outfits, I started with one piece, a dress, the shoes, the tights or anything else really and developed the look from there. How did I get to this point? Well, turns out I have been into fashion theory and history for most of my life. This is my big autistic special interest. I do not mean designers and collections. What a specific designer does or does not doesn’t interest me. How does communication via fashion work? How does fashion interact with the space surrounding it and the body? What about enclothed cognition? A long time before I transitioned I gave a short talk about the semiotics in fashion. I don’t very often try if something works for me. I know what I want and I get it. I don’t follow trends, but I have an eye on what current trends might have to offer.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the timeline! I got an appointment with an endocrinologist specializing in gender health care three weeks after I got the letter of indication. From there a new life started.

For all the following steps I took and still take quite some time. I do one thing and see if it feels okay. If not, I stop doing it. Once again, this is a very non-rational approach. I don’t think about it, I feel it.

Small story at the side: right on the day I had my first therapy session I booked an appointment with a piercer. I got both ears pierced and a septum, that I currently stretched to 2.4mm. The ears were a quick decision. I wanted to wear earrings and clips are not a suitable solution for me. Also because they have “plausible deniability”. I can take them off and literally don’t have my skin in the game. About the septum on the other hand I probably was thinking for eight or ten years. And then, when I made the first therapy appointment I thought: if you do this big step, why not also take the small one you think about for so long? During checkout the piercer said: “Three piercings. You’re up for a discount.” I said: “Oh, that’s not why I did it …” and he answered: “I don’t care, you’ll get the discount anyway!”

I have lots of plans for tattoos. I hope it doesn’t take me another ten years to get started!