Lets Talk About Shame

CG Jung said “Shame is a soul eating emotion.” And I know a lot of people, especially trans people, in many situations feel intense shame. So lets talk about it!

Let me add one more quote, this time by Brené Brown: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” My mother tried to raise me without any violence, in sharp contrast to her own upbringing. Instead she used sentences like “What will the other kids think of you, if you […]” to gently push me to do what she wanted me to do. Only that this wasn’t gentle. She had the best intentions, but this left deep marks on my self-worth and behavior. It took decades to understan an overcome this.

Overcome, you might ask? Yes. I don’t feel much shame these days. I’m too tall for a women? I’m actually proud of that. I have too broad shoulders? I weight too much? I have a receded hairline? A deep voice? Well, yes. And still I go on stages, I love to do conference talks. I love to make an appearance. Most of the time I wear flamboyant clothes.

So am I a beacon of confidence? I don’t know exactly, but I don’t think so. Yes, I have my share of self-confidence nowadays and it feels incredible! But I also use my extraordinary style like an armor. I put myself outside of other people’s norms. A sales consultant once talked about “a category of one.” That’s what I see myself as. I don’t compare myself to other people’s expectations very often, when it comes to my style or identity.

That also means that I’m not dependent of other people’s opinion regarding the way I look or who I am. I certainly still love compliments. But I don’t need them to be myself. And speaking of compliments: it took me years to accept compliments without a deflecting reply like “Oh, that’s nothing!”

When I had my first bra fitting, I was insidiously lured into a lingerie boutique by my oldest cis friend. She said she needed a new bra. And while she was looking at the models the shop assistant pulled out for her, she suddenly said “And my friend here is looking for a bra too!” I thought I was going to die! Was that shame? Maybe 10% of it. But mostly it was something that was instilled in me over decades: that I don’t belong in women’s spaces. Some sort of gender imposter syndrome.

And now? I’m doing fine. But if you have the urge to tell me how brave I am: thank you, but I’m not. This is just my mode of existance. I don’t feel shame, so I don’t have to overcome it.