Echoes of the Past

This is not an easy to write post. Because it’s important to me, but can be very easily misunderstood. It’s about feelings of body horror and discovering things from my adolescence.

• I fully support bodily autonomy of every human being.
• I would never confront individual people with thoughts or feelings that might/will hurt them.

For a long time now I noticed a really uncomfortable feeling of something similar to body horror when I see pictures or videos of early transition transmasc people or nonbinary (afab) people celebrating the first effects of testosterone. I felt (and still do!) embarrassed by these feelings and after this post I will probably not talk about this anymore.

I always tell people that I had a very calm and smooth puberty, but that I don’t have many memories from that time. But I think the feelings I have with people expressing their trans masc joy and euphoria are an echo of feelings I had in my own youth. It’s nothing about them! I love they enjoy their path towards their real self! At the same time it seems to unearth feelings about myself I suppressed for so long that I didn’t even know they existed.

As an uplifting end to this rather sinister story I’d like to mention that there’s a way out of this situation: meet trans masc people and join them in celebrating their life! Because they deserve it. And I do so too. Joy grows by sharing. Take care!