A Rose by Another Name

When I was in my early twenties, I complained to my mother about my first name. I had NO idea I was trans, that would take me another thirty years. My mother looked at me and said: “I know, you told me when you were a child, maybe six or seven.” I asked: “What did you say?” “I asked you, how you would like to be called instead,” she said. And I didn’t have an answer.

Today I’m sure I know why I didn’t find another name. Not having a concept or idea of transness probably means I only was searching for another male name. No wonder I didn’t find one!

When I was looking for a new name after coming out, I looked for a neutral name. That’s what non-binary people do, right? Right?? I tried Nicola for some time, but it didn’t stick. Then I found Sasha. I have no idea how and where I found it. But it was an instant fit! I never really listened to my old name. I really had to focus in occasions where I knew my name might be called. Otherwise I wouldn’t notice. Sasha was different. I reacted instantly. Sometimes I think, names find us, not we them.

Why Sasha? Well, it’s the Russian short form of Alexander or Alexandra. So it is neutral and at the same time is not, in some way. That’s exactly me. My therapist was relieved I chose three more, rather female, names when I had the appointment for a psychological report for the name change (I changed som months before the new self ID law came into action). I was surprised and she explained why: sometimes psychologists see a problem with people transitioning later in live choosing non-binary labels and names. It’s not that they think non-binary doesn’t exist or isn’t valid. But the suspect is: this is an older person who can’t completely let go of their old identity. They fear that we choose a name that doesn’t really fit and since it’s not that easy to change again, we would regret it later.

When I told her “I see, but I’m still non-binary,” she answered “I have no doubt you are.”